- Get the car running without having to push start. We all know that Sanka was the pushcart king of Jamaica, but dammit this is 'Merrica
- Locate the keys to the vehicle.
- Determine the new location for our car.
- Find a way to transport this heap without drawing to ourselves and our obviously illegal activity.
Now we get to the interesting part of our little story - how to move the camaro without drawing attention to ourselves. As with most 24 Hours of LeMons vehicles, aside from being held together by copious amounts of JB Weld, registration isn't exactly high on the priority list. This presents you with certain challenges when you need to move the car over public roads and the Highway Patrol are sticklers for silly things like proper tags or valid licence plates. It really is their own fault that they force people like us to break the law. In any event, our devious solution to this conundrum was to use the cover of darkness to hide our illicit activity and hope that Smoky wouldn't mind that we were East Bound and Down. Wait, most illicit activities happen at night? Damn, we thought we were original.
With our plan of attack now, well, planned all we needed to do was pick which one of us would be the unfortunate soul to strap our ass to this Acme deathmobile and risk injury and significant legal and personal humiliation should we be caught. Eric has a new car so the obvious choice was me. Oh goodie. Before embarking on our journey of certain peril we did a quick systems check.
- Lights = working
- Electric fan = working when we hardwired it to the battery
- Turn signal = non functional
- Mirrors = fine if you like driving by kaleidoscope
- Brake fluid = can diarrhea be considered an accurate description of color?
- Seat and seat belt = not affixed securely and non-existent (in that order)
- Firewall and general structural integrity = I'm feeling less confident on my chances of survival. I reassure myself by telling myself that chicks dig burns.
Better call AAA I suppose to help us close this one. After reassuring the operator that I am not in mortal danger (now that I'm out of the vehicle) she drops this little gem, "It appears that your AAA account is inactive. I can give you the name of a tow company and you can pay them directly." "Hold on," I reply, "Let me get you on the line with a current AAA member - here Eric it's for you." The tow truck arrives and we cruise the last 15 miles to new home base. On the way over I tell the driver about our awesome plan and the only thing he has to say in response is, "You're driving an unregistered vehicle down 580 on Saturday night? Damn, that's ballsy."
Sorry The Lose, no eunuchs here.